a blank white page and a swelling rage

he likes me! he likes me, he likes me, he likes me!!!!!

i have been grinning like an idiot all day long.

i’m leaving for spring semester in about twenty minutes, and will not see my family for over two months.

my mom just yelled at me about something incredibly stupid.

so yeah, things are right on schedule.

i want to feel something, please.
oh god, please.
what happened to my emotions?
i don’t know. i want them back.
today i should be happy. i don’t remember ever being happy. i know i was…
but tell me; remind me; what does happy feel like?
i need to be re-taught.

i wish i knew how to ask for help.

i hate this.

——–
a white blank page and a swelling rage
I don’t know how to handle the way the music makes me feel. I don’t even know how it makes me feel. all at once, I want to breakdown and cry.
I want to scream.
I want to dissolve into nothingness.
I want to see my best friend.
I want to lock myself in a room with the music too loud.
I want to sing it as loudly as I can.

I cannot get enough. I cannot stop the feelings. stop the addiction.

screw society. All I can do is sit quietly and listen.
But how the hell is that satisfying? it’s simply not.

I want, I need, someone to push me up against a wall at the apex of the song. I do not know how to handle how good it is.

I am lost to the night I first heard the music, holding her hand, unaware of what was to come. I want her back like that. I want the night to go away.
was it worth it? of course it was worth it.
was it worth it? of course it wasn’t.

why do i have to be so fucking mysterious? I think this is moving to my own journal and I can’t fucking be honest. I can’t fucking be anything. I don’t know how to do normal shit anymore.
I don’t
I don’t even know

I listen over and over and I do not understand, I do not understand.
why do i keep listening? I am not a masochist in this way.
it’s beautiful, of course it’s beautiful, but all I want to do now is curl up in bed, smaller, smaller, until I do not exist.
it would be nice to disappear for a while.

I don’t know what to say to myself.

it’s lively, and I want  to get away from it. it drives me crazy and I cannot stop & I do not understand.

I do not think it is the song. I do not believe in such power. i think it’s me, only me. only my melodramatic fucking bullshit.

because there’s a tinge of self loathing. in all of this, a tinge
i try to decide.

i did not allow for depression in my calendar. there is not time. but i don’t even know if that’s what this is. i don’t want to cry, but i want to cry for release.
i almost think i need a breakdown. But god i do not want one. i just don’t know how to function without one.
how do i actually live, how do i face my life?
stop, stop, stop, go back to the gentle, the slow. i am not loud, i am not fast and therefore you can’t be either.
oh please, don’t cry, you liar.
it’s not even just one song. it’s all of them, it’s everything i hear as i overdramatize, make my life interesting. am i lying?
when i cry it does not feel like lying.
but now, it feels like lying.
who gave me permission to be sad? i’m not even sad enough to warrant help from someone (anyone, oh god please).

five days in a row of 6+ hour conversations. i haven’t slept normally in days, but is one hundred percent worth it.

i am so, so into him.

we’re up to seven hours of conversation tonight. apparently i’m never going to sleep again, but that’s okay. this is totally worth it.

five hours. i’m not entirely sure what this is, but i’m fairly certain that this is going to be one of the more important conversations of my life. it has been years since anyone has understood me this well to the point that i’m a bit worried about what i’m getting into but i think it will be okay.

we have been talking for four hours. this is amazing.

hi.

i just wanted to tell you how much you’ve meant to me this past month. it hasn’t really been a happy one for me, but the moments i’ve spent talking to you have made my world drastically better. it’s not just because i seem to have suddenly developed a crush on you (i know, it was a surprise to me too). you let me talk about my family and you don’t overwhelm me with pity. you ask me what my dreams are and you tell me i’ll be a good mother. no one’s told me that before. you listen to me ramble about my weird childhood writings and you laugh at my silly jokes. you tell me you want to write novels and i can’t wait to read them.

i didn’t even think i’d miss you. and now, i’m so so very excited to see you again. i can’t wait to hug you (i’ve only hugged you once but i swear even before i knew you’d mean so much i thought it was the best hug i’d ever had) and to sit with you and a cup of tea for hours on that purple couch. i think that you’ll be the healthiest crush i’ve ever had, and even though i really hope something happens, if it doesn’t, that’s okay. just please don’t ever stop talking to me.

thanks.

love,
me

i could tell you these things.

i could tell you the thoughts that i lock away in my head. i could tell you things that would scare you, that would make you worry constantly, that would make you watch my every move. i could tell you things that would make you be a little more careful with me, that would force you to constantly wonder if i’m okay, that would turn you paranoid because you’ll always know there’s something i’m not saying.

and a part of me wants to tell you these things so i don’t have to deal with them anymore.

but it’s my fault i have this burden, it’s my fault i asked the questions, it’s my fault i kept caring. and even if you did ask all the questions, i’d never pass it onto you.

“yes! i made it through two whole days without tears!”

it scares me that this was a legitimately happy thought in my head. why do i change so drastically when i leave school? why can’t i retain that positive optimistic attitude i have there? i’m afraid that i’m going to have to completely undo myself again when i get there (only 11 days, 12 hours, 13 minutes) but maybe i’ll be able to slip back into my college persona. i so so hope that i can.