a blank white page and a swelling rage

okay, i really hadn’t realized just how much i’d miss the boy. he’s been in foreign lands for a week now, and i miss him insanely. he’s keeping a blog while he’s traveling, and he just posted a really long post this morning. it sounds like he’s having a really amazing time and doing really amazing things and i’m pretty jealous. but after his update i had a “fuck he’s so far away and i still won’t see him for three months” freak out. you have to understand, i’ve seen him every school day for the past seven years, and he’s been in 1-5 of my classes every year. besides being the boy i’m heavily crushing on, he’s one of my longest standing friends.

does anyone remember how once upon a time i said i don’t like to write about him? lies abound, apparently.

anyway, it didn’t help that i read his blog post within ten minutes of waking up from a dream in which he came home early and we spent a long time hanging out with my friends and just casually holding hands on the table. it was totally innocent and sweet.

i had other things to write about but i can’t really remember them right now. i’ll try for a separate less pathetic post later today.

i just had my last conversation (via text) with the boy before he leaves for fucking japan/fucking nepal tomorrow. he’s three hours ahead of me currently, so he went to sleep and now i’m feeling really unsatisfied. besides having a long standing crush on him, i’m also pretty good friends with him and he’s the first person i’ve really had to say bye to pre-college. right now, all i want to do is hang out with him some more before he leaves. and then i don’t want him to leave.

i’d like to think i’m more cultured than this, but katy perry is extremely good for blasting and losing yourself in the music. almost my entire ipod is out for consoling music, as it all either relates to her or the boy (who, by the way, can’t see me next week, which means i won’t see him til thanksgiving. i don’t actually know if it’s that he doesn’t want to see me or he’s actually busy, but i’d like to think he’s being honest- he’s good at that. still, he was the thing i was focusing on as i went to sleep so i could stay happy, so i’m a bit worried about going to sleep tonight. i think i’ll repeat the method of staying awake and intaking media until i fall asleep) so katy perry it is. i’m seeing her live later this month, which was not my idea but it’ll be funny.

anyway. today has been.. interesting? i’ve gotten very close to calling apparently ex-best friend a million times today, because she’s who i call when i’m depressed. i stopped myself every time though. i called a couple of other friends, but they didn’t pick up. i’m feeling very lonely, but right now i’m in an apathetic-almost-happy state. the music helps. all day i’ve bounced between apathetic and crying in the middle of the street while making up a song to try to calm myself. like i said, interesting.

i’m currently alone at home because my parents are on the other side of the country and won’t be back for a couple days. i visited my grandmother for a bit earlier but she wasn’t really company. i kind of just need a friend to hang out with. my parents left me some spending money, so i went downtown with the intention of buying sexy underwear, makeup, clothes, books, and yarn. i found things i liked on all accounts except makeup, but i bought nothing. i really need a book. i’m working on a knitting project now, but i could use more yarn because i’ll finish soon.

i am mad at her now. i’m not just depressed. my message was all apologies and explanations and love and dedication. hers was acknowledging the work i’ve put into our friendship and trying to keep her out of her extreme depression and saying that she doesn’t feel close to me. it was like she was denying that we were ever close friends and it wasn’t “thanks for trying”. would that have been so hard?

i thought about going to see a movie tonight, but i think i’ll just stay up late watching mad men and whatever’s on tv.

right now, there’s this week long festival/party going on in this city and i’m fucking sick of it. i’m sick of the drunken happy people wandering around in the middle of the day and all the bars and the fucking mariachi bands and the idiots who set off fireworks off twenty feet from my house at 3 and 4 am.

positives of today: i had a churro. yum. and i ordered all my textbooks. and this shirt came in the mail:

Color me a woman obsessed. I’m trying very hard to not spend every waking moment (not to mention sleeping moments) thinking of him, but I’m failing horribly. This is Very Bad. I don’t like being obsessed. I mean, I do enjoy the thoughts, but I wish I could focus on other things. I mean, I’ve been like this before. Heck, I’ve been like this before about him. But there are two crucial differences: 1. I usually tend to refuse to commit anything to paper (or thte internet) about him or my thoughts because they ultimately just turn out to be embarrassing. and 2. In the past, I’ve only had fantasies. Somehow, replaying an actual event gets old a lot slower. Plus, there’s this whole pang thing- there are certain memories in my life (not to be described) that cause this rather sharp and sudden pang and it’s unbelievably addictive. Only certain memories produce it, but it’s not  that they will produce it at any time… so my only choice is to play the memories over and over until I get it. Rahhhh.

Anyway, let’s knock out a post from my list: things I can’t write about.

There is something to be said for a private, written journal. You can write anything you want and (assuming you’re around non-slimy people) no one else will know. However, I’m a bit too self absorbed or something like that to write for a complete lack of audience.

Next, there’s the writer’s notebook, or an equivalent. You have one trustworthy person who will read it. You can have someone absorb whatever thoughts or problems you have, but you don’t have to go through a whole confessional thing and your issues are still safe. However, I don’t think my old english teacher would be happy if I dropped off a (very full) notebook every couple of months and asked her to read. (She’s cool, but no one should have to be that cool. Then again, she’s getting the address to this blog in about a month. Hi, english teacher!)

And finally, we have the blog. Even when it’s anonymous, or at least, not given out to your friends, you can’t post everything. I’m pretty careful about this no-one-finding-it business. I only look at the blog on my own computer and I haven’t mentioned it to anyone (again, except english teacher). I want to be free to write about my friends and events in my life without fear of discovery.

Even so, there are two people I just can’t write about online. I don’t think there’s really a chance they’ll ever find this, but I’m still concerned. And as such, I’m just… not writing about them. However, they’re the two people I need to write about the most. They’re also the two people that would be hurt the most by things I have to write. I’m not good at dealing with awkward things. I have tons of things I should say to people but I never do. And now I can’t even write about it. Fuck, that’s depressing.

Apropos this post, I actually do love summer. Well, most of summer. Right now I’m in California. My days consist of waking up late, watching a couple episodes of something online, then taking the bus to the pool for some tanning, exercise, and a corn dog. The bus is wonderful because it means I can spend my day alone. My parents don’t normally show up until 2 or 3, and I leave the house around 10. The quiet is lovely.

I’ve been swimming laps daily. Exercise makes me feel better about myself, but the only exercise I like is swimming, so the summer works out well for that. (the other seasons… not so much) My goal is to be in shape for college and maybe keep swimming once I get there. My secret goal is to be tanned and toned when I (hopefully) see the boy in two weeks. No that I’ve spent every waking moment thinking about him or anything remotely like that.

I can take an amtrak train from my college to the boy’s future college for only 36 dollars and four hours of my time. Just sayin’.

Anywho, I have a long list of things I’ve been meaning to write about. I should really really get started on that. My goal is to cover at least one topic a day. They should be more *thought* based things than what I normally write about. Maybe I’ll get a little more towards what my writer’s notebook was like. It wasn’t much of a writer’s notebook, but hey.

Oh, I found out who my roommate is/where I’m living. I’m pleased.

wow.

Last night I went on an extremely successful date with the boy that I have had a crush on for six years. We saw a funny chick flick (his suggestion) and then he drove me home and proceeded to sit in my driveway for two hours. We were talking for the first hour or so, and then spent the second hour hooking up (not sex… I’m never quite sure what hooking up means. I think it’s more than making out but not all the way to sex?). He was really, really fantastic. He basically did everything I fantasize about.

This event has led me to two conclusions: 1. I need a friend to discuss sex with. I had one, but she is suddenly depressed by the thought of it, and while she’ll listen, I don’t like to bother her with the details, but I really really need the discussion right now. I might just end up telling my other friend, but she’s kind of annoying about such things. and, 2. I think I need to end things with that other boy. Last night was just so normal and I’m happy about it with no guilt attached. There’s no complications to deal with, there’s no weird attachments, there was just fun and it happened and maybe it will again. I miss normal, and I can’t get it with the other boy. I just don’t really know what to tell him.

So last night happened and today I’m traveling across the country. Fuck. I’ll be home for a couple days in a few weeks, and he may or may not be around. If I don’t see him then, I’ll maybe see him at Thanksgiving, and if not then… may. Double fuck. In other words, we’re not dating. There was brief discussion about a second date (it wasn’t really at the part where either of our brains were capable of forming sentences) if we overlap later this month. Basically, if I’m still single come May, I’m going to push for a relationship. But for now, I’m happy as is. Really, I’ve been ecstatic and jumpy since I got home (at 1:30 am) last night.