a blank white page and a swelling rage

blankwhitepage — Tue, 18 May 2010 02:27:34 +0000

my parents are fighting, my parents are fighting, please just make them stop fighting

472 days.

this morning, i woke up next to my boyfriend.

blankwhitepage — Sat, 15 May 2010 04:01:27 +0000

his chest was bare and i moved my head onto his shoulder and just laid in bed next to him for an hour. i have slept in his room every night for almost two weeks.

today i went home.

i will not be living in the same place as my boyfriend for 475 days. for 400+ of those days, we won’t even be living in the same country.

tonight i am sleeping alone.

blankwhitepage — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 20:45:24 +0000

why am i falling apart

why can’t i stop crying

why can’t i do my work

what the fuck is happening

“miss me?”

blankwhitepage — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 21:08:23 +0000

well, no, in fact, i didn’t miss you in the five minutes it took you to make a sandwich or whatever the fuck you were doing. and i don’t miss you in the larger sense of the time, either.

i am spending my days curled up on couches in a coffee shop doing math while the boy that i think i will one day love writes beautiful stories (i love dating a creative writing major). i spend a lot of time in his bed, and i’m usually dressed. we watch movies and cuddle and talk. god, there is so much to talk about. he never stops being interesting. he plans surprises for me and sends me emails while i’m asleep so they’ll be there when i wake up. he reads the books i love purely because i love them. he makes me cds and then writes me a letter explaining why he chose each track. he loves to show me off. he wants everyone to know that he is with me. i am never rushed to his room or hastened to the subway. he kisses me in public. every time i get a text from him i smile and people around me know i’m talking to him. my friends like him. his friends like me. i sometimes look at him and am overwhelmed by how much i feel for one person.

we waited to have sex. and as the person who created my libido, you should understand what a big deal this is for me. but i wanted to make sure his first time was special. i didn’t want him to regret it like i do. i didn’t want him to regret me like i regret you. he told me he was ready and i told him to wait longer. and when it happened it was awkward and he didn’t really know what to do but i just felt so much that i didn’t even care. when i have sex with him, i never feel guilty. i feel loved and lucky.

he is everything you never were. and that’s okay, because you were never supposed to be any of those things. if you had become any of those things (and sometimes you tried) i would have ended it right then and there because you were not my boyfriend and i did not want you to be. but that’s not the point. the point is:

if i have all this, why the hell would i ever miss you?

blankwhitepage — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 20:08:47 +0000

he likes me! he likes me, he likes me, he likes me!!!!!

i have been grinning like an idiot all day long.

i wish i’d never met you the day you said i have a room, i have music to play

blankwhitepage — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 15:05:36 +0000

i’m leaving for spring semester in about twenty minutes, and will not see my family for over two months.

my mom just yelled at me about something incredibly stupid.

so yeah, things are right on schedule.

poems from december 2008

blankwhitepage — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 08:55:02 +0000

i want to feel something, please.
oh god, please.
what happened to my emotions?
i don’t know. i want them back.
today i should be happy. i don’t remember ever being happy. i know i was…
but tell me; remind me; what does happy feel like?
i need to be re-taught.

i wish i knew how to ask for help.

i hate this.

——–
a white blank page and a swelling rage
I don’t know how to handle the way the music makes me feel. I don’t even know how it makes me feel. all at once, I want to breakdown and cry.
I want to scream.
I want to dissolve into nothingness.
I want to see my best friend.
I want to lock myself in a room with the music too loud.
I want to sing it as loudly as I can.

I cannot get enough. I cannot stop the feelings. stop the addiction.

screw society. All I can do is sit quietly and listen.
But how the hell is that satisfying? it’s simply not.

I want, I need, someone to push me up against a wall at the apex of the song. I do not know how to handle how good it is.

I am lost to the night I first heard the music, holding her hand, unaware of what was to come. I want her back like that. I want the night to go away.
was it worth it? of course it was worth it.
was it worth it? of course it wasn’t.

why do i have to be so fucking mysterious? I think this is moving to my own journal and I can’t fucking be honest. I can’t fucking be anything. I don’t know how to do normal shit anymore.
I don’t
I don’t even know

I listen over and over and I do not understand, I do not understand.
why do i keep listening? I am not a masochist in this way.
it’s beautiful, of course it’s beautiful, but all I want to do now is curl up in bed, smaller, smaller, until I do not exist.
it would be nice to disappear for a while.

I don’t know what to say to myself.

it’s lively, and I want to get away from it. it drives me crazy and I cannot stop & I do not understand.

I do not think it is the song. I do not believe in such power. i think it’s me, only me. only my melodramatic fucking bullshit.

because there’s a tinge of self loathing. in all of this, a tinge
i try to decide.

i did not allow for depression in my calendar. there is not time. but i don’t even know if that’s what this is. i don’t want to cry, but i want to cry for release.
i almost think i need a breakdown. But god i do not want one. i just don’t know how to function without one.
how do i actually live, how do i face my life?
stop, stop, stop, go back to the gentle, the slow. i am not loud, i am not fast and therefore you can’t be either.
oh please, don’t cry, you liar.
it’s not even just one song. it’s all of them, it’s everything i hear as i overdramatize, make my life interesting. am i lying?
when i cry it does not feel like lying.
but now, it feels like lying.
who gave me permission to be sad? i’m not even sad enough to warrant help from someone (anyone, oh god please).

blankwhitepage — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 11:27:13 +0000

five days in a row of 6+ hour conversations. i haven’t slept normally in days, but is one hundred percent worth it.

i am so, so into him.

blankwhitepage — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 09:29:09 +0000

we’re up to seven hours of conversation tonight. apparently i’m never going to sleep again, but that’s okay. this is totally worth it.

blankwhitepage — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 09:53:39 +0000

five hours. i’m not entirely sure what this is, but i’m fairly certain that this is going to be one of the more important conversations of my life. it has been years since anyone has understood me this well to the point that i’m a bit worried about what i’m getting into but i think it will be okay.